Something happened this week that I was not prepared for. Well, two things happened that I wasn't prepared for. The first one was loosing another friend and mentor. The second one of them was not being prepared, or at the very least, making it appear to the outside world that I was prepared.
I have spent most of my life being prepared.
Believe it or not, my calling in life is to be a cheerleader. Yeah, I know I am so not a cheerleader.
BUT!!!!!
I have done the best I can to make sure everyone around me was OK.
What are your hopes and dreams? What's on your bucket list? I will do my best to make sure you do or have all of those things that matter to you so much. Just tell me what those things are, and I am ON IT.
I have tried to support people through many toils and trials of life. I have tried to help find answers, and make viable plans and generally figure things out.
I have been prepared to help people through transitions of life, anywhere from moving to the next grade, through graduation, through people being mean, or failing to understand.
I have tried to help those around me cope with the loss of a parent, grand parent, best friend, place to live, job, no matter how close I personally was to any of those things, myself, their feelings and reactions came first.
I have tried to be that ROCK during health crises, and career changes, and business transitions no matter what was in my own head and heart.
I reassure people that life is going to go on one way or another, and that is ok.
Before you say anything, don't get me wrong, none of this applies to technology or learning new processes for myself. Yes I know I whine and cry and freak out when I don't know how to do something immediately, but I try to help YOU believe that even if I cant do it YOU CAN!!!!!
And I freak out because something has come up that I wasn't prepared for and I'm not good at not being prepared.
What I am talking about is all those relationship kind of things and self esteem and belief in the world around you kind of things.
Maybe, I'm just tired, maybe its 2 funeral in a week, maybe its life that finally caught up on me. I've never in my life said I cant deal with your stuff right now because I cant cope with it. Give me a break. So, believe me, this is really not easy in any way.
But recently, out of the blue, I had to realize that I have hit the end of an era, the turning a page. The End.
This loss, even though he was not in any way related, I didn't spend that much time with him, has switched on something that I'm not sure is good.
Today, a part of my world ended. Or at least I REALIZED that it was at an end.
I have been on people around me the last few days to decide what they want out of life. I have told them over and over that even though I make a lot of decisions and just offer them out there, this is one decision that I cannot make for anyone else. But, I also have a few decisions to make. This one particular area of my world, has come to an end. It can either start over, or just go away, but it will not be the same. For me, this business, not like the other business, its just a part of the business, it isn't a way of life, the way it was for them. I will have employees to do the job, for them, it was part of who they were. All of my mentors and those I relied on to teach me are gone. And I'm not OK with that.
Nope, today, believe it or not, I'm not OK. So before I inflict anymore of my NOT OKness on anyone else around me I am going to change my course, take a Sabbath, hide in a closet or maybe under the bed.
Normally, my Not ok times are limited to locking my self in the bathroom for 20-30 minutes to cry in the shower where no one notices or I just limit my exposure to people so I don't take up anyone else's time by being out of sorts. But today, My phone is off, Facebook is not on my computer (except for posting this) the doors are locked, the lights are already turned off in the front of my house and I am going to take the advice of an Antebellum Southern Lady, I am "taking to my bed". My dogs are all 4 on the bed snuggled up with me, I have a book in my hand and an Italian soda on the night stand. I have that pile of really soft tissues beside me that we brought home from our most recent hospital stay, sorry they may be all gone soon, and I am just going to hide for awhile.
No one needs to check on me, or sit with me or in any other way be around, I am fine. I wouldn't even know what to do with that.
Monday morning at 5 am when the alarm goes off, I will be back on deck. I will be the "ME" everyone else expects me to be, but for the rest of today, and tomorrow I am going to not be OK.
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